Ernie Scar is coming to Earth on Christmas. Click for his Christmas Show!

As it is Christmas Eve, and Santa is nervous going into Brocket and the rougher areas of Lethbridge and surrounding towns, Ernie is tasked with making sure the Christmas spirit of joy and happiness is spread throughout Southern Alberta, thanks in part to that bottle of Southern Comfort Ernie has in his coat pocket. Every glass Ernie touches becomes full, every bottle Ernie touches becomes full also, so all the bars licensed and illegal(like in Freddy’s basement) seem to never run out of alcohol, pickled eggs, and popcorn. All the drunkards, bums, and hobos know the legend of Ernie Scar, so they raise their bottles into the air and give a toast to this kind spirit.

As Santa dodges the bullets flying into the sky above Hobbema, Ernie is down below dropping off that stolen beer truck, so the reserve is not dry tonight. The gang members thank Ernie as they reload and drink their TNT beers. Even some of the female native gang members give Ernie hugs and kisses, because Ernie through his magic has also delivered a truck full of cigarettes.

Christmas Eve is full of the magic and wonder that is Ernie Scar. But time is counting down. It is late, and Ernie must now return to the spirit world. Ernie ascends up and up, higher and higher until he meets the crest of the night sky and returns to the spirit world once again.

So in keeping with Ernie Scar’s Christmas Spirit, if you are partying on Christmas Eve, buy a stranger a drink at the bar, give free cans of TNT to the people you meet, give free cigarettes to that guy hanging outside of the convenience store, and if you are at a house party, make sure everyone has a full glass of booze. This is Christmas!

Have a Merry Christmas and let the spirit of Ernie Scar fill your heart.

Radio Waves is proud to present a Christmas Radio Show dedicated to our good friend Ernie Scar (1961-2011):

http://brocket99.net/radiowaves0014.htm

Click for previous Ask Lenard articles on brocket99.net!

Dear Ernie

Words cannut deshcribe da pain dat I feel when I hurd from a grief shtriken Rosie and Shtella about yer passhin to da Great Spirit in da Sky.  You were so much more den “dat guy” on da radio playin AC/DC all da time and talkin to country shingin shuperstars! You were a true friend, and never hung up on my wonsh when I would call up pished or hi requestin Lenny Rednuts or John Andershun.

You were like a brudder to me, and I hope in shum shmall way you were able to use shum of my advish before you were taken frum ush.   You once called me da “arbiter of taste” (whatever da fuck dat means) but dat meant da world to me.  I am going to mish our parties, da pow-wows and most of all our bullshit sessions. You were one of a kind.

I tauwt about givin up da collum, but I Rosie and Shtella said dey would beat da pish out of me and den dey would have dere way wit me anyhow, if I shtopped.   Besides, I don’t tink Ernie wanted me to shtop. I tink da besht way to honor his memory is to keep weavin da words da only way I no how.  As Ernie once said “its da leasht you can do”.

Da only ting I will ask of you all is dat on da annivershary of his passhin dat you call up whatever radio shtation you lishen to and request shum AC/DC in memory of Ernie Scar.

Dis one’s fer you Ernie.. shee you shumwhere down da road:

Ride On

It’s another lonely evening
And another lonely town
But I ain’t too young to worry
And I ain’t too old to cry
When a woman gets me down
Got another empty bottle
And another empty bed
Ain’t too young to admit it
And I’m not too old to lie
I’m just another empty head
That’s why I’m lonely
I’m so lonely
But I know what I’m gonna do -
I’m gonna ride on
Ride on
Ride on, standing on the edge of the road
Ride on, thumb in the air
Ride on, one of these days I’m gonna
Ride on, change my evil ways
Till then I’ll just keep riding on
Broke another promise
And I broke another heart
But I ain’t too young to realize
That I ain’t too old to try
Try to get back to the start
And it’s another red light nightmare
Another red light street
And I ain’t too old to hurry
Cause I ain’t too old to die
But I sure am hard to beat
But I’m lonely
Lord I’m lonely
What am I gonna do
-
Ride on
Ride on, got myself a one-way ticket
Ride on
Ride on, going the wrong way
Ride on, gonna change my evil ways
Ride on, one of these days
One of these days
Ride on
Ride on
I’m gonna ride on
Ride on, looking for a truck
Ride on
Ride on, keep on riding
Riding on and on and on and on
Gonna have myself a good time
Ohhh yeah
Ride ride ride
One of these days
One of these days…

May you rest in peace my friend.
Lenard S. Moccasin

It is 2011 and I have received an email from Michael Anthony telling me my friend Ernie Scar has passed away. I simply could not believe it. Ernie Scar and I are of the same generation, two like-minded individuals who found friendship in the strange yet satisfying world of Brocket 99. In my opinion, Ernie is too young to die. And that I am pissed off about.

Ernie Scar 1961 – 2011

Ernie and I first made contact back in 2003 when he gave me a phone call telling me how much he enjoyed the Lenny Red-Nuts album “Tough Buck from Brocket.” From there we kept in contact via emails and phone calls. Luckily in 2006, my girlfriend and I made the trip to see Ernie and spent part of the day and part of the evening with him. For this time, I am eternally grateful. In fact I wish we had stayed longer.

There were always plans for me to visit Ernie again or for Ernie to visit me, but time and circumstances seemed to always get in the way. Still we continued our friendship through phone calls and emails.

Luckily in 2009, Ernie Scar, Lenny Red-Nuts, and myself got to be a part of the new 3^rd Dick Twang Album “Not Too Pretty Bad.” Although the album was recorded in various parts of Canada and the United States, it was nice to work on something with Ernie, Elvis, H20, and Dick. Ernie and I were very happy with the finished album and I was happy that Ernie could release some new material after so many years in hiatus.

R.I.P. Brudder

As I write this, I have so many regrets. I so wish I had taken the time to visit Ernie since we last met in person. I wish Ernie could have visited me. I wish Ernie and I could have worked on some new material. I wish I wasn’t typing this because Ernie would be alive. Life is so full of missed time that later when the person is gone, the missed memories bite like daggers in the heart. Even the memories we do have of the lost loved one cut the heart and bleed tiny tears that drop into the recesses of time.

Ernie Scar is dead. I repeat Ernie Scar is dead. This is a saddest day I have had in a very long time. I so wish this was an Andy Kaufman style gag and that Ernie would later phone me up and say, “Dar se dar, Up n’ at em.” Or perhaps I would see Ernie Scar in the distance driving by and waving at me.

I remember when Ernie and I would talk about the future, and he would say he wants to end up like the Winnebago Man retired somewhere living the life of a hermit. I would reply that perhaps both Ernie and I would end up as old men on a beach somewhere in Southeast Asia drinking beer living life anonymously. Ernie said he would like that.

Charles Kang

The Great Beyond – R.E.M.

I´ve watched the stars fall silent from your eyes
All the sights that I have seen
I can´t believe that I believed I wished
That you could see
There´s a new planet in the solar system
There is nothing up my sleeve

I´m pushing an elephant up the stairs
I´m tossing up punchlines that were never there
Over my shoulder a piano falls
Crashing to the ground

In all this talk of time
Talk is fine
But I don´t want to stay around
Why can´t we pantomime, just close our eyes
And sleep sweet dreams
Me and you with wings on our feet

I´m pushing an elephant up the stairs
I´m tossing up punchlines that were never there
Over my shoulder a piano falls
Crashing to the ground

I´m breaking through
I´m bending spoons
I´m keeping flowers in full bloom
I´m looking for answers from the great beyond

I want the hummingbirds, the dancing bears
Sweetest dreams of you
I Look into the stars
I Look into the moon

I´m pushing an elephant up the stairs
I´m tossing up punchlines that were never there
Over my shoulder a piano falls
Crashing to the ground

I´m breaking through
I´m bending spoons
I´m keeping flowers in full bloom
I´m looking for answers from the great beyond

I´m breaking through
I´m bending spoons
I´m keeping flowers in full bloom
I´m looking for answers from the great
Answers from the great, answers

I´m breaking through
I´m bending spoons
I´m keeping flowers in full bloom
I´m looking for answers from the great beyond

I´m breaking through
I´m bending spoons
I´m keeping flowers in full bloom
I´m looking for answers from the great
Answers from the great, answers

I´m breaking through
I´m bending spoons
I´m keeping flowers in full bloom
I´m looking for answers from the great beyond

I´m breaking through
I´m bending spoons
I´m keeping flowers in full bloom
I´m looking for answers from the great
Answers from the great, answers

Click for more advice from Lenard!

Hey uncle Lenard,

I dont tink ya remember me but I am da son of yer sister or wuz dat ye half-sister Suzie Squawtaams. I tink you banged her a few times at the powwows we used to have on Brocket, Morley, and Hobemma. Dose were good times cuz I got laid wid Stella and boy could she blow good. Dose were da memories or should I say mammories cuz she haz big tits! Anyways no Im not askin fer money aldough if you got shum I could sure use it. I am written to you cuz I need to figure out how da fuck I can buy my family, cuzins, ants, and grandmaw too Christmas presents at da local JC Penny, Fields, K-Mart, or if I get into da big city Walmart. See da problem is I ain’t got no money cuz I belw it in d River Cree Casino last time I wuz in town. Dose one arms bandits and penny sea monkey games really hurt my wallet. So bad I got kicked outta my place cuz I couldnt pay da rent. Shoo I am back in Brocket, pissed and broke, aint got no lovin, and aint got no money honey. So how da fuck can I get my family Christmas presents wid no cash? It has been sho bad dat I even scrounged around those junk piles in Brocket and the now closed down general store tryin to find someting like old tires, or used dishes or someting dat I could make art out of fer da holidays. I am good at stealing stuff and my current shackup sweetie used to hook in da Boyle area in Edmonton. Sho what should I do?

ps. Wid yer permission, can I bang Rosie cuz I hear she is good in da teepee?

Johnny No-Tooth
Son of Freddie Whitemanleft and Suzie Squawtaams
Nephew of Lenard Moccassin

To Johnny No-Tooth,

What da fuck? Uncle? shinsh when? well maybe.. cuzin maybe? Yesh gewd times.. Hey, maybe dat wuz u goin into Shtella’s tipi after I bang’d her a couple shix times dem nights?

Not askin fer money? Dat I can tell dat u ar not related to meez! Fuck dis is shimple..you gots tu choishes: legal or nots legal. Hitshike to Hobeema or Wetashkawin, find urshelf a honey who is almost 18 (better do its qwik) and den ur Chrishmish is set! She’ll buy u and urs everyting dey need! jush remember to dump her flat ash da fursht time she says she’s getting low on da funds! Or u can go to da welfare office and beg, but dat might not werks..

Now, da not sho legal, u said ur a gewd teef, sho shtake out shum whitie’s playsh and den rob dem when dey are gone fer Chrishmish.. buts, be prepared if dey got shecurity and dat shit, if u gets caught, u could be gone fer two years lesh a fuckin day! But den again, if u are in jail for Xmas, den u don’t have to buy anyting fer anyone (except fer protexshun) den ur family will buy u all shorts of shtuff cause well, ur in da lock up!

Oh here we go again.. I gotz no money, I got kicked out, I got a gamblin addikshun.. boo fuckin hoo.. Der is alwayz a playsh for a cuzin to go! U ain’t tryin hard enuff.. Homelesh shelters, churches and dem big ashed garbage bins are a shtart!

Now here’s where I tink ur letter is shtartin to shound like whitie produced bullshit.. fursht u shay u got no honey or gots a playsh to shtay.. den u shay dat u gots a shakup shweetie.. I bet u even buy food wit da money u get from begging! fuckin patethic!

Jush remember, if u shart shtealin,it might werk fer a little while, but you’ll get bushted..take it frum one who noes! Shumone will eider show off da shtuff u stole fer dem, tell somebody dat u shtole it, or da wursht, you’ll get fingered cause dey are tryin to shave der own neckz! Den you’re in jail.. but den again, if you needs a warm playsh to shtay fer a cupple monts, plush free eats tree times a day, den yer shet..

P.S. Fucks you don’t need my permishun to bang Rosie.. all u needz is a bottle of Baby Duck and she’ll love you for da night (two if its a magnum) please do dat.. get her and her bits shister Shtella off my back again.. fuckin bits’s I tell you!

I hope dis helps, and better go talk to Leo Minkskin.. He’s uer unkel! Not me! fukin nefew.. dats a good one!

Chrishmashily urs,

Lenard not yer unkel!

Dear Lenard,

My name is Beverly and I am typin dis letter on the downtown library computer in Edmonton, Alberta. It is shure cold out dere and the wind is blowin harder than I do. No I’ dont live in da beverly, I just hook dere sometimes. Right now I am living in the Boyle area and have been hooking dere for sometime. Anways, I am gettin on da wrongside of 20 and am startin to look a little old. I am wonderin how much longer I can turn tricks on the mean streets of 118th ave west of the Coloseum, the drug streets and alleys on the Boyle area, and the ye olde town of Beverly. I am a little fat, but have big tits. I also kind of look like Jennifer Lopez except I am missing my front teeth due to a bar fight back at the Cromdale in early 2000. I stopped smokin meth awhile back and now just smoke crack and doobies. So how long do I have to turn tricks before I have to throw away my nylons and find a new job? Do you have any beauty tips? What should my new career be? R u single?

Oh and X-mas is comin up so for this season where is the best place to hook, how much should I charge, and how do I attract customers?

Love,
Beverly

Job? Lishen to yershelf.. u shound like a whitie!  Fuck.. fer shumone who is on da udder shide of 20, u don’t no shit!  Beauty tips? Give your clients a free big bear before u hook up wit dem….

Dear Lenard,  you fuckin asshole!

Dis  is Beverly and I just want to say what an ashhole you are. Yes I turn tricks outside of the Drake but dat dose not make me a bad person. I said a wuz on da wrong side of 20 which means in my late 20s you fuckin ashhole! I got into da Cromdale when I wuz 18 and much slimmer, aldough there were underage women in the Cromdale turning tricks in the washrooms. I aint ugly is dats what u think but am a bit fat from all the kids I popped out.  You are a jerk Lenard cuz youd be lucky to get wid a chick like me instead of dose overthehill AC-DC reserve hags, when U could get wid a real native hip hop honey like me. Us younger generation native chicks are into the hip hop culture and much better lookin than those reserve hags you pump. Us Hip Hop Native Chickies look Latina but the AC-DC Natives look like a well worn old tire.

So go to hell you old smelly jerk. U couldnt handle me anywayz.

Toodles,

Beverly

Click for STIM Site

Interview with our friend Lenny Red-Nuts July 5th, 2010:

Right click then left click Save Link As for Lenny Red-Nuts Interview

http://www.alltalkradio.net/theshitthatirksme/stim070510.mp3

>:o)

Here’s the show with Charles Kang and Sonny Mosquito July 21, 2010:

Right click and then left click Save Link As for Charles Kang and Sonny Mosquito Interview

http://www.alltalkradio.net/theshitthatirksme/stim072110.mp3

Remember that was the night the djs bus was late so you’ll have to fast
forward through the first 20 minutes or so and you’ll hear your
interview. [at about 16:30 into the show the interview starts]The recorder kicks on at 7:06 so that’s why you’ve got all the commercials Bentley was running. Sorry about that.

To save either interview, you can double click that link, go down to save target as, click that, and save this show to your hard drive.

If any Brocket 99 or Spinoff personality (including MAACP djs) is interested in getting interviewed on Maxwell’s show “The Shit that Irks Me” here is Maxwell’s email address is Maxwell Silverhammer: stimradio@gmail.com

New CDs have been added others removed. My heart smiles and aches at the same time.

http://brocket99.net/cds.htm

The sad thing is, Brocket99.net has pulled the party pack and the accompanying CDs: Radio Clit, The Drake Hotel, Dick Twang, Lenny Red-Nuts, and Not So Brocket.

Sadness falls hard on the heart.

Michael Anthony was quoted as saying:

BTW I don’t know if I told you but I’m doing away with the party pack. I apologize but Lenny, The Drake, Dick, Clit will all be homeless in a week or so. So you have or will have a collectors item. It’s just time for the site to move on.We’re going to focus on Brocket 99 and Native issues. That’s the way it is. And that’s the end of the subject as far as I’m concerned.

It was a personal decision that I pondered for quite some time. Anyway. I’ll check out the show and thanks for your continued support of MAACP!

This is indeed a sad day for Brocket 99 fans everywhere, but within Brocket99.net’s right to do. We here at Brocket 99 News hope that Michael Anthony at Brocket99.net will rethink things and will add these wonderful cds to their site in the future.

Click for more advice from Lenard!

Hey cuzin, I’m new to alberta and don’t have no job and wuz wonderin whats da best way I can get on welfare? Shit I’m not full native but a metis and shoo is dis a problem for me? I just got here from saskatewan and I herd dose white fuckers in da provincial government say I got to be here 2 months before I can get da welfare. I really don’t want to work at all cuzin, I just want to party wid my friends, pick up shum sexy squaws and whitey sluts, and live my life da hobbema way. I’m a young dude in his 20s so I am scared dey may make to go to work. See I don’t want to work and besides I got shum squaws pregnant and I don’t want to pay child support. Shoo what are some tricks of da trade you can give me shoo I can go on welfare right away, so I can stay on welfare for my life, and so dey don’t make me fill out dose job search forms? Help me cuzin. What’s a half buck supposed to do? Oh by da way are you my dad? My mom’s name is Perline Whitewater.

Freddy Whitewater

Lenny Red-Nuts added to the conversation with this tidbit of wisdom:

Shoo dis is what i gits to say about dis very tuff topic. As a metis dat is almost an indian you gots to talk to dat contact at da welfare office and give her shum good welfare pow-wow lovin. Just make sure she does give you dose fuckin luv taps cuz cuzin you dont need dat shit. I tell ya many times i got on da old welfare wagon and cuz im a native and a good lookin one at dat I so da sweet talkin and den with a free check I be walkin. As fer da child support, dat is a tuff one but youve cum to da right place for advice. alwasy give any government agentsy yer buddy’s address or a relative, dis way you get da check but da child support cant find ou. Also get a job under da teepee. Dat means dey pay cash. Den hide da money in a matress or in da holes in da wall and den child support cant get it frum you. If dey are close on yer trail den move frum place to place and don’t put no utilites no phone  no nuthin in yer name so dat way dose child support cant find ya dat way. Dere are udder tricks but yer a young buck and will lern dem along da way.

I remember yer mom Perline Whitewater. By she gave me da pow-wow sho hard dat my nuts turned red for a week. Dats how da tribal elders gave me my last name. Anyways dough she wuz a good lay and could suck golf balls trough garden hoses, da love wuznt meant to last. Im sorry but Im not yer dad cuz I was in da drunk trank in lethbridge when yer mom got knocked up by Sonny Mosquito. Sho talk to him cuzin.

Oh by da way. make shure yer woman dont give you dose love taps. My friend Johnny Eaglepumper get lots of love taps by his mean scrag of a wife. But its ok cuz he gives her shum good love taps after a few bottles of southern comfort, so its all even steven.

Not yer Dad,

Lenny Red-Nuts

Now that’s not all folks. MAACP has started to take older shows out of the dusty archives and make them available for free. That is pretty cool. Hopefully we will see the entire collection make it online or in some kind of DVD set in the future. So for your MAACP cravings, click below!

Click for MAACP Goodness!

Now the shows they have uploaded are really amazing and in our opinion some of their best work. There is definitely some great Brocket 99 content here as well as bizzarro content from the home of the free, land of the brave, and realm of the warped. These are must haves for the radio fan!

If you are in U.S.A., do not enter the religious pseudo spiritual house that Michael discusses in one of his long lost but hopefully found radio shows.

CD Goodness. Take a Drink and Sink it in the Pink!

Next we have coming up the best Radio Parody in the history of Radio Parodies. Yes folks, it’s Brocket 99. Throw away that used up, crackly old cassette with a 40th generation copy of Brocket 99. If you want a great copy of Brocket 99, wonder no more.  Brocket99.net has you covered. This pristine digital copy of the full Brocket 99 Radio Parody can be yours. We’ve heard it and it is absolutely amazing. If you are like the Pentagon and want “Bang for the Buck” go with the 8 CD Party Pack, which is a must have for any Brocket 99 fan!

So look for new episodes of MAACP from these Radio DJs who are even more cool that Dr. Johnny Fever from WKRP. Get down with these two Chilidoggers who are quick like Frogger. Get down like Donkey Kong with MAACP!

Click for MAACP or I'll chew off yer balls sonny!

http://maacp.blogspot.com/

Martin Whittles Passing. Click here!

Dr. Martin Whittles, Professor of Anthropology at Thompson River University Dies. – The news of his passing comes from the TRU University website.

MAACP Free Downloads from the Archives!

Dr. Whittles was a well known opponent of the Brocket 99 parody. He spoke out about the tape starting in 1995 in the media as well as the 2006 Documentary “Brocket 99 – Rockin’ the Country”.

Brocket 99 was preparing to ask Dr. Whittles for an interview at the time we heard of his death. “Although we had differing opinions, we respected Dr. Whittles right to speak his mind concerning Brocket 99. We wish to pass along our condolences to his friends, family and those at Thompson River University”. Michael Anthony: Owner – Brocket 99

http://maacp.blogspot.com/search/label/Dr%20Martin%20Whittles

We here at Brocket 99 News are greatly saddened to hear to Professor Martin Whittles passing. Although we shared different views on Brocket 99, Martin Whittles was still an essential part of Thompson River University and the Brocket 99 Canon. God speed Dr. Whittles! – Brocket 99 News Team

Lenny Red-Nuts – 118th Ave. – take 1 (included on CD “Not Too Pretty Bad” by The Dick Twang Band):

Click for free download of "118th Ave." take 1 song!

http://www.mediafire.com/file/noyjvwmmmzd/118th Ave take 1 16bit mono.wav

Lenny Red-Nuts – 118th Ave. – take 2:

Click to for free download of "118th Ave." take 2 song!

http://www.mediafire.com/file/zljjd0mwc2z/118th Ave take 2.wav

Twizzler Wino – The Journey of Clayton Magnet Downtown Brocket Mix:

Click for free "Journey of Clayton Magnet Downtown Brocket Mix" mp3!

http://www.mediafire.com/file/oymyddd3jjw/The Journey of Clayton Magnet Downtown Brocket Mix.mp3

Dick Twang’s third album “Not Too Pretty Bad” is a rockin album with such wild dudes as Elvis Manywounds, H2O, Lenny Red-Nuts and even the one and only Ernie Scar! If you are a fan of Brocket 99, you’ll love the Dick Twang Band. Check out the samples or even buy the CD by taking the link and sinking it in the pink!

Take your link and sink it in the pink!

Now for a commercial break:

Did you get knocked up or get your girlfriend knocked up? Click here!

From the Designer

Get knocked up again? Want your baby to be just like Lenny? Wonder no more with this maternity T-Shirt. Heck if the dad is Lenny, don’t hold your breath for child support.