Ask Lenard answers very tough questions about going on welfare.
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Dear Lenard
Hey cuzin, I’m new to alberta and don’t have no job and wuz wonderin whats da best way I can get on welfare? Shit I’m not full native but a metis and shoo is dis a problem for me? I just got here from saskatewan and I herd dose white fuckers in da provincial government say I got to be here 2 months before I can get da welfare. I really don’t want to work at all cuzin, I just want to party wid my friends, pick up shum sexy squaws and whitey sluts, and live my life da hobbema way. I’m a young dude in his 20s so I am scared dey may make to go to work. See I don’t want to work and besides I got shum squaws pregnant and I don’t want to pay child support. Shoo what are some tricks of da trade you can give me shoo I can go on welfare right away, so I can stay on welfare for my life, and so dey don’t make me fill out dose job search forms? Help me cuzin. What’s a half buck supposed to do? Oh by da way are you my dad? My mom’s name is Perline Whitewater.
Freddy Whitewater
Dear Freddy..
yu’v come to da rite playsh if u need shum info.. cauze fuck evereybodee wants to live da hobeema way! Sinsh ur part of da culzture, i will dew u a favur, u gotta make ur way down to Pinchur Creek, go to da guverment offish and go ask fer Pershilla Yellowfaysh.. shes my cuzin of dis chick I wuz shaked up wit fer a few munts when I shtill lived down der. She likes to pardee, but shes gots da shmarts and dat almost like a whitie! but she haz ur back, and she can take care of u da right way.. falsh id, falsh driverz, she can even ficksh it dat u dont pay a dime in da child shupport! She dont cum cheap doh, she won’t do a ting witout u givin her da texas mickee of da jack daniels! den fer da resht, u will have to talk to her about dat outshide of da offish hourz.. btw she likes da whitee meet, sho u shuld be jusht fine! bee redee doh, cauze she likez to ride all nite long!
Ah yesh.. she tewk care of ol Lenard many, many many times! How do u tink I can keep goin after all deez years?
Oh for da udder part of da leddur, I will tell u da shame ting I tell all do yung punks ashkin if I am der dad.. fuck no! Go ask Lenny Rednutz.. dat fucker has fucked almosht as many hunniez as Lenard haz!
Welfarely yurz,
Lenard
Lenny Red-Nuts added to the conversation with this tidbit of wisdom:
Shoo dis is what i gits to say about dis very tuff topic. As a metis dat is almost an indian you gots to talk to dat contact at da welfare office and give her shum good welfare pow-wow lovin. Just make sure she does give you dose fuckin luv taps cuz cuzin you dont need dat shit. I tell ya many times i got on da old welfare wagon and cuz im a native and a good lookin one at dat I so da sweet talkin and den with a free check I be walkin. As fer da child support, dat is a tuff one but youve cum to da right place for advice. alwasy give any government agentsy yer buddy’s address or a relative, dis way you get da check but da child support cant find ou. Also get a job under da teepee. Dat means dey pay cash. Den hide da money in a matress or in da holes in da wall and den child support cant get it frum you. If dey are close on yer trail den move frum place to place and don’t put no utilites no phone no nuthin in yer name so dat way dose child support cant find ya dat way. Dere are udder tricks but yer a young buck and will lern dem along da way.
I remember yer mom Perline Whitewater. By she gave me da pow-wow sho hard dat my nuts turned red for a week. Dats how da tribal elders gave me my last name. Anyways dough she wuz a good lay and could suck golf balls trough garden hoses, da love wuznt meant to last. Im sorry but Im not yer dad cuz I was in da drunk trank in lethbridge when yer mom got knocked up by Sonny Mosquito. Sho talk to him cuzin.
Oh by da way. make shure yer woman dont give you dose love taps. My friend Johnny Eaglepumper get lots of love taps by his mean scrag of a wife. But its ok cuz he gives her shum good love taps after a few bottles of southern comfort, so its all even steven.
